[theqoo] A SASAENG WRITES DOWN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING A SASAENG

1. After waiting [for the idols] for hours on the street, watching their stage for a mere 5 or 10 minutes, I feel a sense of emptiness. On the way home, I swear to myself I’ll never come again. Although I’m upset, once I get home and see today’s photos uploaded, I quickly prepare for my schedule again.

2. I spent tens of thousands of won to attend a fan signing, but being prohibited from points of contact and touches is really frustrating. It’s almost as if they’re just going through the motions, like a payment transaction, and there’s hardly any chance to even exchange a few words. I’m feeling empty again.

3. However, I can’t betray my love for him because I love him so much.

4. On days when he doesn’t have a schedule, I can’t stand not knowing what he’s doing. It’s frustrating. Why doesn’t he tweet or come to the fan cafe?ㅜ

5. I love him so much that I want to see him up close every single day.

6. At first, I went to places like the airport, his commute route, or in front of his company. Even though I didn’t know when he’d come, sometimes I’d see him if I just waited patiently.

7. After going here and there I naturally developed a friendship with other fangirls 

8. As you move around here and there, the stories you hear slowly increase. 

– Hul, yesterday so-and-so ate with XXX from another group. 

– Yesterday, So-and-so said he bought clothes from some brand. 

– Yesterday, he dyed his hair black daebak~

9. And as you become a stick fangirl (붙수니 = fangirls who physically sticks themselves to idols), you get lucky and your oppa accepts one of your letters

10. As a stick fangirl, you end up even having a conversation with your oppa and he answers your words. It’s just trivial conversasions

– Did you receive that gift? Yeah thanks

– What did you have for lunch today? I ate kimchi stew. Things along those lines….

11. If you tell a room fangirl (안방수니 = fangirls who only stay in their rooms to fangirl) that you saw him, they’d go “Wow!”. After all, I go to see you him closer than a room fangirl, so I became a fan who knows more about him than you!

12. While waiting for him all the time, I naturally form my own group of fangirls. We’d exchange contact information and share information with each other.

13. Among that group, you realize there is a f*cking fangirl (씹빠수니 = fangirling to the next level/hardcore) level that is even higher than what you can achieve Or, there is a fangirl who has a network of contacts with other fangirls

14. Once you step into that new world of “f*cking fangirl”, you’d start getting information such as accommodations, hair salons, etc. In some cases, they just take a taxi from the airport or a broadcasting station and chase after him.

15. Unlike fanmeetings or fancafes where you have to bring money and spend time waiting in line, you can see oppa much closer. It seems like this has better value for money.

16. Even though he doesn’t smile or wave like on his way to broadcasts, and doesn’t shake hands, I prefer seeing the real oppa instead of the business mode and fake manners oppa has in front of fans.

17. The manager starts recognizing me and would ask, “You’re here again?” “Seems like you come quite often.” “I wonder if oppa remembers your face too?”

18. Even though they say, “Don’t come to the dorm, don’t come to the shop,” it just feels cute to me. “NO” means “YES” ^^ If we didn’t come at all, wouldn’t oppa feel disappointed?

19. Sometimes oppa pretends not to know me but would secretly accepts my letters through the manager. Oppa clearly knows I’m a fan of his.

20. There are times when it feels like oppa is glaring at me. But with other managers around and other fans, he probably can’t help but pretend to dislike it ^^

======== At this level, your life just becomes a f*cking mess ===========

21. “Did you see him glaring just now? So cute ㅋㅋㅋ” Becomes a typical conversation we have among fangirls. 

22. “Do you guys really plan to keep coming to the dorm like this? Seriously?” Oppa scolds me directly. We’re having one-on-one conversation <3 (I love it).

23. But he accepted my letter today, right?  And his mood wasn’t even that good that day. As expected, oppa likes me, right? Where’s the fan who would love oppa as much as I do? Someone who would follow him no matter where he goes?

24. There’s no schedule today, but I can’t even go see oppa because I have things to do. Where are you, oppa?ㅜㅜㅜ I miss you, oppa…

25. [The members have now arrived at XXX] Seeing a message from another sasaeng, I quickly catch a taxi and join them.

26. It’s just our group alone [being here]. Total jackpot.

27. I’m the only one who saw oppa today. Among countless other fans, I know where oppa was and what he was doing at this time today! Indeed, I know oppa the best and love him the most!

28. Can’t go see oppa today. Other fans must be watching him, right? I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing… But other fans probably know, right?ㅜㅜㅜ

28. Lately, oppa doesn’t accept letters anymore and doesn’t even glance over. He doesn’t even look at me.

28. Oppa doesn’t seem like he the way used to. What’s going on? Is it because the manager is being more controlling?

29. Oppa’s getting on my nerves. Now suddenly acting like a big shot? Seriously? ㅋㅋㅋ Where are the people who love oppa like I do? Oppa knows it too, right? How much I love him.

30. “Can you give me the camera? You took a picture.” Oppa, why the formal language between us? And I follow you because I like you… Are you trying to annoy me? Ridiculous, seriously.

31. “Please stop coming.”ㅋㅋㅋㅋGrown-up now, huh? So annoying, seriouslyㅋㅋㅋ

32. Ha.. It feels like oppa is treating me like a stalker. Every time I see him, he looks visibly displeased. Have I done something wrong? I just want to see him because I like him, so why?

33. Lately, I’m so unhappy with oppa’s attitude that even though I try not to go, I can’t bear the fact that other fans will get to know “today’s oppa”, whom I don’t even know. Who loves oppa more than me? Oppa knows how much I love him, right? Then why do I not know where oppa is or what he’s doing..ㅜㅜㅜ

34. All day long in the fan group chat, they only talk about who’s where and who’s meeting who. I don’t know where oppa is or what he’s doing, and for that, I get cursed at because I don’t even know those information anymore.

35. The center of all my movements becomes where oppa’s dorm, workplace, and shop are located. Even when meeting friends, we end up meeting there and then running off after getting a call.

36. Life sucks like this, and even oppa treats me like crap, but seeing sightings or photos of oppa that I don’t know about makes it even worse, so I can’t stop.